Why do I keep regretting what I say?

The over thinking, re-running every word, feeling bad and cringing that goes with these moments is horrible.

We imagine we’re the only one who does this or feels this way, but a huge number of people experience this. Sometimes we even get ahead of the game and play through imagined future conversations long before they even happen – but never in a positive way!

We find the bad, what might go wrong, how we’ll mess up, who we’ll upset and we do it many times without seeing that it could also go well.

Often, we’re sitting there afterwards going “it wasn’t that bad, why did I think it would be” but then we do it again, and again, and again.

No, it’s no crazy. It makes absolute sense when we understand what the brain is doing.

When our self-preservation systems are running (they include fear, aggression, stress systems etc.) the mind is responding to a feeling that something is wrong.

From that point it doesn’t matter if all is OK – the feeling is real, and the mind mistakes that as proof something is wrong, and it goes into self-preservation mode.

In real danger we need to be on alert. We look for what is wrong and over-analyse everything. Is that a shadow or someone waiting to pounce? Did I leave the iron on? Did I upset someone with what I said?

These all make sense when the fear / self-preservation systems are on.

The job of that part of the brain is to examine and find what is out of place, what might be a risk, what we can address to be safer.

It works great in a war-zone where we need to be wound-up and thinking, is that a bomb hidden there or just rubble?

When we’re safe that same system can be active and then it looks for anything that might be causing the feeling of danger… is there someone about to hurt us? No? Then what’s the next issue to examine, did we hurt someone, did we make a mistake, did we leave something on that will burn down the house, are we certain we locked the door, or even worrying about health without any real evidence of a problem.

It’s like the mind goes down the list until it finds something we can put the excess worry energy into.

Once the worry engine is running that feeling is present and the mind doesn’t know what to do with it, but it must do something with it so it finds the closest thing to danger and locks onto that.

I see so many people who say things like “As soon as I see the doctor and am told it’s OK my mind just jumps to the next thing and I’m still worrying”, “When the current problem goes away it’s like I’m looking for something else to worry about”.

It’s common and natural.

If this is occurring my advice is to step back and ask if this feeling is running and just latching on to the issue or if the issue is the problem.

If the issue is the problem, then what steps can be taken to resolve it?

If the problem persists after taking measures to solve the issue, then it’s likely the system is just stuck on worry mode and it’s not the perceived issue that is the real cause of the bad feeling.

In over nine and a half thousand sessions with people suffering these sorts of difficulties I’ve seen the mind switch on that worry system and leave it switched on from several different causes.

Being constantly on edge as a child often impacts this fear system.

Listening for the drunken footsteps, lying in bed waiting to hear if a door bangs or a row starts, waiting to spring into action because we’re not allowed to relax – lots of different ways occur that can program the mind to continual vigilance and worry.

We can see it from trauma too.
Violence, assaults, crashes, bad trips on drugs, near misses on land and sea. Any frightening event can kick the fear response up and sometimes it needs help to dial back down.

Continued stress can do it as well. Years in bullying with no hope of escape, stuck in an abusive relationship, in a job we hate and feeling trapped. These can act as a “pressure Trauma” that’s easy to gloss over but which feel awful even years afterwards if we think of them.

Thankfully there are many options that can help us reduce worry, fear and the embarrassing reactions that often go with them. Most people I’ve seen get appropriate help, experience far less worry.

There is help available. From reducing panic attacks, to stopping over thinking, to cutting fear, there are so many people who have improved their lives, but it takes that first step that is often the scary one – spotting the problem, acknowledge it and then seek help.

Ignoring it and hoping for the best, is a poor option. Take it from me I was 37 when I first started to notice the anxiety that had devoured decades of my happiness!

Have a think about what the better way of living in those currently difficult situations would be, and look into what therapies are proven to have a good success rate with that sort of problem.

More good options are available than ever.

I’m always happy to speak with people about how life can improve and can probably find people who can help near you. The world has more and more properly trained, ethical, and experienced therapists every year. I’ve made referrals for people Trinidad and Tobago and Thailand in recent times so you’d be amazed how many good people are out there and technology has made it easier to find colleagues than ever before.

Don’t let fear keep suffering going!

Change is easier than you think.

Have a great week.

All the best,
John

info@JohnPrendergast
085 1313700
www.JohnPrendergast.ie

John Prendergast MA, MBACP, is a specialist in Anxiety and Psychological Trauma. His area of interest is the fear system of the human mind and body and his work centers around reducing suffering for individuals one-on-one and in groups. He lived decades of sever anxiety in his own life before finding help and then studying with some of the world’s leaders in reducing anxiety, resolving PTSD, and living happier lives. He sees clients in clinic in Athlone, Ireland, and around the world via Zoom. He also delivers training to businesses and through seminars across the UK and Ireland.